A LITTLE HUMOR
I have decided to write a book, and in preparation, I"ve reviewed my monthly newsletters that I've written (Just those in the last 7 years) to make notes on things I want to make sure I cover. While doing this, I came across a few jokes that I've had in those newsletters and decided to share those with the readers of my blog. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
SOMEONE MIGHT MISUNDERSTAND…
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to make it to the closet, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
GETTING OLDER MEANS…
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An all-nighter means not getting up to urinate!
Two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
“We had a patient call in yesterday morning, obviously still half asleep, to tell us that he was going to be late. The reason? He had left a message with our answering service that we were to call him in the morning and wake him for his appointment, so it was OUR FAULT!”
A woman brought her baby to see a doctor, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I started
toward the garage, I spot the mail on the hall table. I should, go through
the mail before I wash the car. I lay the keys on the table, put the junk
mail in the trash can by the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and decide to take out the trash
first.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the trash, I might
as well pay the bills first.
I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left. My extra
checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the
bottle of juice that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. But the juice is getting warm, and should be, put in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye. They need to be watered. I set the juice on the counter, and
find my glasses, for which I've been searching all morning. I had better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight
when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody
will remember that it's on the kitchen table. I should put it back in the
den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water
on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote
back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At
the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a
warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
I'm trying to figure out, why nothing got done today. It's baffling because
I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
CHURCH BULLETINS & ANNOUNCEMENTS
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
16. Place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement .
20. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
24. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
27. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
SOMEONE MIGHT MISUNDERSTAND…
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to make it to the closet, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
GETTING OLDER MEANS…
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An all-nighter means not getting up to urinate!
Two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
“We had a patient call in yesterday morning, obviously still half asleep, to tell us that he was going to be late. The reason? He had left a message with our answering service that we were to call him in the morning and wake him for his appointment, so it was OUR FAULT!”
A woman brought her baby to see a doctor, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I started
toward the garage, I spot the mail on the hall table. I should, go through
the mail before I wash the car. I lay the keys on the table, put the junk
mail in the trash can by the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and decide to take out the trash
first.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the trash, I might
as well pay the bills first.
I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left. My extra
checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the
bottle of juice that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. But the juice is getting warm, and should be, put in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye. They need to be watered. I set the juice on the counter, and
find my glasses, for which I've been searching all morning. I had better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight
when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody
will remember that it's on the kitchen table. I should put it back in the
den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water
on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote
back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At
the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a
warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
I'm trying to figure out, why nothing got done today. It's baffling because
I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
CHURCH BULLETINS & ANNOUNCEMENTS
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
16. Place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement .
20. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
24. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
27. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
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